Preparing for a brief return… June 18, 2008

Sorry, it’s been a while since my last post, but staying busy to curb my anxiety has been priority latetly.  We are about 2 weeks from seeing Shawn for the first time since Christmas as he prepares for his 2 weeks of R&R from Iraq.  It’s so exciting and scary and if I don’t keep every minute accounted for, I get a little tense.  Every reunion is incredible.  But it’s also hard to explain the tiny bit of fear you have when it’s your first meeting in months.  So many things happen, so many changes occur around you and inside of you.  You never truly know if either of you are the same and if either of you will be relate to the other anymore.  Not that we’ve had a terrible time with that, but the fear still presents itself.

And, there’s also that not so kind thought of goodbye lurking around.  R&R is a blessing and curse because it’s such a short-lived trip followed by yet another dreadful departure and seperation.  You get so excited for the time to come, and then it’s over so quickly and you always feel you’ve blinked past your time together and not really reacquainted.

Nonetheless, I’m beside myself at the thought of being held again, to have his arm around me, his hand on mine, and his face close enough to touch.  It’s odd to think of having such a personal interaction when you’ve gone so long without it.  The protective shell that has built itself around me over the last several months is about to be cracked apart and it’s oddly uncomfortable and exciting.  Having to be so independent and then allowing yourself to be vulnerable to someone again is maybe one of the toughest parts of military marriages.  You work so hard to be able to deal with living alone and then dread the day you become exceedingly good at it.  But, the good news is, we’ve been successful at all of this thus far.  And we survive our deployments on prayer.  I firmly believe that fact alone makes our transitions smooth and his trips safe.

Meanwhile, Kaeli and I took a 10 day vacation to California with my family.  It was a wonderful way to kill time and Kaeli has yet to lose her awe over her Sea World experience.  We had a wonderful trip despite a few minor setbacks, but I of course found myself depressed and lonely without Shawn there to share that experience.  It was Kaeli’s first real vacation, and we celebrated our 9 year anniversary while we there–that made it a little bittersweet.  Those situations bring me back to the reality of how much I need him and want him here.  Because, no matter how much I’ve adjusted to him not being here, I can’t adjust to him really being gone either.  The more people I’m around, the lonelier I feel.  And no experience is thorough while he is gone.  I miss him so much.  And I miss me, too….because I have to be someone that isn’t necessarily myself in order to make it through these prolonged seperations.  Though it will only be a few days, it will be nice to feel like I “fit” somewhere again. 

 

 

Blessings of Motherhood… May 9, 2008

Being a mom isn’t always easy….and certainly not always what you dreamed it to be. Sometimes, it’s better.

You never really know what to expect as a first time mom.  But rest assured, whatever you pictured in your head is nothing at all what it is.  And yet, it’s everything you pictured.  When I found out we were having a girl, I immediately imagined this teeny little thing with little blonde ringlets, like me.  I imagined a quiet child..much like how I and her father were as children.  And here she came, 9lbs and 2ozs, head full of thick, dark hair.  And fiesty from day one.  She’s been completely unexpected and such a blessing.  I envisioned alot of quiet moments where I would hold my newborn and just gaze at her…birds singing, gentle sun shining…. And then there was colic.  Needless to say, i learned quickly how hard it was to be a mother…a good one, anyway.  I developed patience I’d never known, energy despite sleepless nights, and a truly unconditional love I never knew I was capable of.    And as much I as I try teach her, she’s taught me more already at 2 and a half.  I’ve become stronger and resiliant and patient.   And i love it.

Since there was a time when I believed i couldn’t be a mommy, I feel even more blessed.  And I’m never disappointed when things aren’t how I pictured….because she didn’t come from a cookie-cutter mold…she’s this little person who is taking her own exciting paths, who is discovering things her own way, who lets me walk beside her when she does.

To all the mother’s who are waiting to be showered on Mother’s Day….STOP!  This is your day to realize how blessed you are to have the opportunity you’ve had.  To be thankful and contemplative.  You’ve already been so blessed!  The thing of motherhood encompasses every trial and triumph..every tantrum, every fit of laughter.  All those days you smelled of sweat and spit-up….those were the best days of your life!  Because hard as they were, you became someone better….you became a mommy!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!  To those who were there once, who are here now, who will be there tomorrow, who long to be there….

 

This is what proud looks like… April 12, 2008

I’ve been getting so many emails in response to this blog and my husband’s blog site here, all positive.  It’s been a blessing to hear from so many people who are either being gracious for our service or understanding because their going through the same things. 

Regardless of the hardships, it is truly our honor to do what we do and I’m so very proud of my husband.  He has been deployed so much, and he has managed to maintain himself so well.  Sometimes I actually doubt him when he tells me he’s okay….it could be a day where there have been numerous attacks, and he’s seems completely unaffected.  I don’t know how he does that.  I’ve seen so many soldiers and their families who have been so affected by their deployment experiences, not that it’s wrong and not to discount any of them, but sometimes the danger they were exposed to was much less and the outcomes when they come home are so much more.  I’ve seen divorce, substance abuse, behavioral disorders, etc.  But not here.  It’s just more proof that this is what he is supposed to do.  He’s somehow built for this job.  And though at times, I don’t know if I fit the mold, I learn more everyday that I’m more capable than I’ve given myself credit.  We have been blessed with the ability to utilize these seperations as time to actually grow closer, as odd as that sounds.  And so much of that comes in the pride we have in this thing we do.  Now, politics have nothing to do with it.  Because whether or not we agree politically, this is an obligation we have to fulfill.  If they say he goes, he goes. Period.  And understanding that is important.  There is a greater motive behind him and it is, I assure you, pure.  He truly loves his country and his family…and doing this, he is able to take care of both. 

Thanks so much to all of your kind comments and emails!  And Shawn, thank you!  I’m so proud of you!

 

The things we don’t say… April 5, 2008

Being a military wife is sometimes alot like being the any other kind of wife…sometimes.  But sometimes, the thoughts and emotions that run through you are anything but ordinary, especially when your soldier is planted in the middle of a war zone.

In it’s totality so far, this deployment has been largely different in the level of danger Shawn has been exposed to.  Just when I began to allow myself to feel secure about that, then things went a little crazy and I have experienced things that are familiar, yet distant to me.  I almost never talk about it–maybe it’s because I don’t want to sound crazy, or because I’m ashamed, or it makes me feel weak.  I don’t really know.  But when the word “incoming” reintroduced itself into our deployment vocabulary, I once again worry intensively…between every phone call, every night before I go to sleep.  I think there has been so many Hollywood versions of the story…but this nightmare has come back to me…

…We’re at home, going about our daily routines, and there’s a knock at the door I didn’t expect.  I round the corner to the door and look up to see a strange man in his pressed dress uniform…and my heart stops.  Literally, i feel like I can’t breathe.  I fight to find strength to open the door, and his eyes meet mine with an apologetic glance…and he clears his throat to verify I’m Mrs. Riley…wife of Sgt. Shawn Riley…and then he begins to deliver a message that we all fear.  Honestly, in my dream, no matter how many times I’ve had it, I don’t remember any words that come out of his mouth.  My dream always ends as my legs give out from beneath me and I fall to my knees…there are no sounds, the room spins around me faster and faster….my heart begins to race…I can’t breathe…

And each time, i wake up at that point.  And I pray.  That’s the worst fear of any military wife I’ve ever talked to.  And it’s the one thing none of us want to talk about, as aforementioned above.  I literally can’t sleep if Shawn was supposed to call and didn’t.  And that vision comes back the same as every time before.  No matter how “good” a day Shawn may have over there, I don’t feel exempt.  In fact, Shawn and i both have talked about how, if anything, odds were against us.  He’s been over there so much and we’ve been so fortunate thus far, even though we’ve had close calls.  Not that luck has anything to do with it, but has ours ran out?

These are things we have a hard time saying….because we can’t ever find the right words to make anyone “outside” understand.  But, I don’t want to tell people i worry.  I don’t want them to know the vivid images that reoccur in my mind.  But sometimes, i wish they could just understand….so that if i wanted  to talk about it, I wouldn’t fear the judgement and I wouldn’t fall short of expectations.  Sometimes, for no reason, this worry sneaks up on me and I try hard to act “normal,” but I know they see I’m not myself.  And instead of trying to explain that I’m scared to death, I  leave it as is.  And I’m sure alot of people now think I’m just “turned funny” or something.  I’ve probably pushed some people away because of that.  Somehow, it seems like if I explain, then it just seems like I’m looking for sympathy or attention.  It’s just hard to be normal right now, I guess.  This deployment is old news now for most people, but it has no less effect on us no matter how much time goes by.  in fact, in ways, the easier it gets, the harder it gets.

At first, you struggle to be able to rearrange your life and get used to the changes and the new dynamics of being a single parent and the lone spouse.  And when you finally do resituate, you fight with yourself…you feel guilty for being so comfortable without them here.  And it makes you afraid that when they come back, you won’t be the same.  Trying to balance it all…adjusting, but not too much…going about your life, but with hesitation…

I’m very thankful to have a faith that i can rely on, but that doesn’t always erase these feelings.  My faith can always bring me back down, but it doesn’t keep me from worrying.  Everything I know about my life today sits in Iraq.  And I’m here, waiting…and praying that it comes back to me.

 

Spring is in the air…and other things… March 26, 2008

It’s been a VERY long month around here….slowly things are looking up,though.  And it looks like we may find a sense of normalcy once again soon.  My sister-in-law leaves next week for rehab, so the kids will be going back to their dad.  It was hard to imagine making it through their extended stay sometimes, but we have all done well and taking it one day at a time has been the best strategy.  Not that I haven’t been frustrated and tired and even angry at times, but we’ve made it.  And now, I only hope the best for them as they go back home into what I pray is a proper environment for them.

We’ve also acquired another new family member since my last post.  Her name is Bella and she is a 6 week old boxer.  We’ve had her about 6 days now and Kaeli really loves her new puppy.  The only problem is that I have slept nearly not at all, as this tiny little creature can produce alot of noise at night.  My job at night has been to try and keep it minimal so as to not wake all the children, who wake up on their own throughout the night anyway.  Wheww!  I’m exhausted!  I haven’t been this tired since Kaeli was newborn with colic (and Shawn was deployed then, too).  Hopefully progress will speed along!

Many things going on with Shawn.  First, what started to be an unusually uneventful deployment has started to change as attacks on the Green Zone in which he resides has picked up.  He sounds largely unaffected and unafraid by the excitement, but my nerves have shown up in response and I find myself stressing out in between his phone calls again waiting to know that he’s okay.  Also, it turns he will get to come home for 2 weeks of R&R after all…we’re very excited to see him in July!  I know it will be hard to have to say bye again, but Kaeli has cried for her Daddy alot lately and I think it will help her to see him so much more than it will hurt her to see him go again–and he’ll only have three more months after that until this whole thing is finished.  I think by now Kaeli knows he’ll come back, or she’s starting to.  But coping in between is difficult.  The more she talks, the more she is able to emote–she’s starting saying that she wants Daddy home…she wants to hold Daddy….she wants Daddy to come to Kaeli and Momma’s house, etc.  The last week has been especially difficult for her for whatever reason and I’ve had to hold her to console her crying spells two of the last three days. 

All in all, I don’t know if it’s just that Spring is peaking through at us, but I’ve found my spirits higher despite being sick and literally exhausted.  I think it is a season of renewal in a lot of ways, it has been for me anyway.  I always find myself feeling lighter and refreshed when the cold weather subsides, the grass turns green, and the bountiful pollen tickles my allergies. 

Keep on keeping on… March 4, 2008

Well, it’s been a week officially now since I’ve had my niece and nephew.  In some ways, things have improved.  And in others, I’m gaining on frustration.

Our daily routine is becoming a bit more of a smoother operation, i.e., the kids are adjusting to having a structured day and conforming to it all a bit better.  Their mother will be in rehab for a year, but has a 30 day wait that hasn’t started until she secures her reservation at the facility she’ll be going to.  The state will allow the kids to go back to their dad once she is gone, which I’m not sure if that is a blessing or a curse–maybe both.  While I’m exhausted, and in severe need of some alone time, I also can’t shake some feeling of guilt that they may again, be in an environment that is less than they deserve, but that isn’t up to me.

The frustration comes from so many places.  Feeling trapped behind a family who feels that I, the “in-law”, should be the one who takes all responsibility right now is bothering me a bit.  That I should have to cancel all my plans, that I don’t need a break because I’m not working (HA, this is the hardest I’ve worked in my life), that their rest is more important, their plans are more important, and frankly, let me just say it, that her kids are more important than mine.  Kaeli has sacrificed her fair position as a granchild since day one because of my sister-in-law.  Because everyone is so exhausted catering to her and put so much into her and her kids because of her failure to do things herself.  By the time there is time for Kaeli, no one feels like it.  And now, Kaeli is sacrificing her space, her things, her life at home as she knew it, and her mommy (not to mention her daddy who was already gone on deployment).  I’m so spread thin in the day…I can’t have that one-on-one time with her and take her places.  Does anyone realize that we were kind of in the middle of our own circumstances here?  Lately, I just feel regret for ever even moving back home.  It hasn’t made much of a difference..we thought that Kaeli would get the same treatment and attention as her cousins and wanted that for her.  We wanted to be around family and invisioned them trying just as hard to be a part of our lives as we tried to be a part of theirs.  And now, we’re just caught up in the middle of this drama, taken for granted even still, and doing the same things that everyone has always done that made us mad—taking care of “her” responsibilites when she won’t, in every form.

I DO love these kids and I DO feel it’s important that they be given a good life.   And I don’t think I’d feel so bitter about it if I felt some willingness from other family to take some of the slack.  There’s always this hesitation, this undertone that is clearly understood whenever they’re asked to help.  And sometimes, it just comes out forthright. 

I guess I just find myself looking even more forward to Shawn coming home and now, the possibility of getting away again.  We were much happier when we were too far away to be sucked into the middle of everything.  And knowing that our expectations for what we’d have for Kaeli here were unrealistic just makes us want to take her and show the world on our own, instead of feeling stuck amongst people who didn’t turn out to give a care, instead of waiting on someone to want to be this kind of relationship in her life, and in ours.  I guess that knowledge is power….and sometimes knowing too much is just overwhelming.  I think we’re feeling ready to get away and regain the oblivous advantages of distance.

Meanwhile, we just have to drive forward through all of this and hope every single day that I’m doing justice somehow.  And please understand, I just find this as a format to vent, I guess…and say things here that I can’t quite say out loud…to think collectively and put it all together.  I know it sounds negative…and to clarify, I do still understand very much how important these kids are and how helpless they are about it.  If I didn’t realize that, I wouldn’t be doing any of this.

How could you…. February 28, 2008

…look into the innocent and adoring eyes of your own child and turn around and choose yourself over them?

I’m just disgusted and sad that it happens,but it does…everyday…and in my own family.

I’ve have gone from being the wife of a deployed soldier and temporary single mom to a two year old, to all of that plus the temporary single mom to two more precious children who were neglected by their own mother for DRUGS!  I’m so mad at her!  Because of what she’s done to her kids, because of what she’s put her family through, because of the impact it’s having on my family, because of her stupid selfishness.  I could NEVER do that to my child—choose myself over her.  And I’m so sick of hearing the excuses for her and so sick of her screaming victim and everyone just bending over backwards to take care of her.  You know…this isn’t the first time by far….and every time everyone has virtually stopped their own lives to rescue her, yet again…and she repays them with not one cent of graciousness or appreciation….she repays us with repetition and expectations to do it over and over again.

Well, those babies are safe and loved here and I’ll try inspite of my health, in spite of my exhaustion, in spite of her to show them what life should be like for a child.  I don’t understand why people like that can have endless numbers of children, and there are so many childless mothers out there who would pretty much die to have their own child.  The most undeserving, most selfish people get this blessing that they don’t even acknowledge.

Maybe the most upsetting to me is how I’m expected to do all of this at perhaps the worst time–with Shawn being gone and dealing with my own child’s separation anxieties, with my current health situations, etc.  And I’m expected to do it by the same people who aren’t even willing to help me out, much less do it themselves.  It’s just more than maddening.    I wish that I could be superwoman right now, but nobody is ever.  I have only asked for a bit of help and familial support and you’d think I’d asked for something much more complicated.  And now, the future of these kids lay on my shoulders alone.  If there’s guilt to be had about the tiniest feeling of not being able to handle of all this right now, it’s been given to me.

I hate to even say any of that, because I know that as rough as it is for us, it’s much harder on those kids, who have had no say in any of this and certainly don’t deserve to be mistreated and tossed around.  I simply don’t want to cheat them any more than they’ve already been cheated by taking on too much.  I’m torn whether or not my feelings or decisions about any of this are justified or adequate and it’s eating me alive.  I’m praying so hard that God give me insight on what I’m supposed to do here, and that I have the umph to do it, whatever “it” is.

“Daddy, come back” February 23, 2008

It’s such an exciting time when your child first begins to speak–they open their mouth and out flies something to amaze you, and you wonder sometimes where or how they could’ve learned it, but they did.  And then, the better they get, the more expressive they become.  Finally, you begin to understand this little being as a person.  And it’s nothing short of a blessing…

Kaeli crawled up on my lap last night, handed me my cell phone (which I never even saw her grab), and said, “Momma, call Daddy.”  After explaining that was impossible, she insisted again.  I couldn’t help it.  I picked up the laptop and logged onto Skype, and even though I knew he wouldn’t be there, I “called” him.  Of course, nothing.  But I wanted her to see I tried.

Her face just turned pitiful and I could see her shoulders slump heavy with sadness.  Her eyebrows pulled down, her lip pouted out, and her chest big with anxiety….”Daddy, come back?”  I tried not to let that stinkin’ tear slip out, but there it was. “Kaeli, Daddy will come back.  He’s at work with the Army again today, but he’ll come home.  He can’t wait to play with you and give you big hugs and kisses…OK?” 

She looked up at me with big, sad eyes and paused with slight hesitation. She didn’t want to agree, but finally…”Okay, Momma.  Okay.”  She grabbed my arm and wrapped it around her and laid her little head against me.  “Daddy, come  back.”

“Mommy misses Daddy, too, Kaeli.”

“Miss Daddy.”

And we just held each other.

Iraq, Schm-Iraq… February 19, 2008

Well, Shawn’s been in the Mid-east for about a month now…(is that all?)  I’m so relieved (and hopefully, not ignorantly so) that this tour for him is so much safer and relaxed.  I don’t know if I could handle one of those phone calls where you hear booms and gunfire in the background, followed by the most terrifying silence.  (Yes, it’s happened).  I was much more worried BEFORE he got there this time, I guess in anticipation of it being like the times he’s been before, and scared that maybe our luck had run out and odds were against us.  I wasn’t sure how many more miracles I could deserve in my life–I’m definitely over quota already!  But, Thank you, LORD!

Now, all I have to worry about is….well, those Angelina Jolie’s. HA!

Kaeli and I are having a good ole time together…aside from the potty training, which is relentless.  She’s SO stubborn!  Just when I think I’ve found a new miracle solution, she turns her nose up at it and gains new levels of defiance.  Oh well.  We’ll just keep trying.  Anyway, she’s just at such an exciting age…I just wish i could slow it down.  She’s growing up so fast you can see it in a very literal sense. Everyday. 

Anyway, not a very exciting post, but an update nonetheless.

It was the Year Without a Valentine…. February 14, 2008

Yeah, so here is yet another holiday I’m going to spend alone.  Granted, it’s Valentine’s Day…not Christmas, or anything.  but still.  Another holiday where Shawn and I should be enjoying each other and in some, at least, small way making it special for each other.  Although Shawn has never been a flowers kind of guy (even though I actually DO enjoy that kind of thing, he will not relent), we would still at least enjoy a nice restaurant.  And, we would be together.

Not this time.  I’m trying to decide if I want to take Kaeli out and celebrate a different love today or if I want to hide at home and avoid subjecting myself to all the buzz of this day…all the couples out…..all the gifting…blah, blah, blah.  But, I seriously need to buy groceries.  Blah.  I’ll probaby just go buy my own flowers.  No, maybe I’ll get some for Kaeli,

Addendum:  Shawn called and didn’t even seem to realize it was Valentine’s day.  Nice. 

Well, he made it… February 3, 2008

Shawn called me today to tell me he made it to Baghdad.  I almost think he’s relieved…just to finally be doing what he’s gone to do.  And I have already experienced less frequent contact with him over the last few days, but I’m feeling optimistic at least.  Some days I just feel consumed with anxiety and worry, but there’s always a balancing act going on which thankfully means I have days of peace and optimism regarding my stamina and ability to handle all of this.  I find confidence in myself at the weirdest times, when I’m at my weakest usually…I can bounce back because I know that we’ve done this before and everything turned out fine. I’m a veteran at this deployment thing, ya know?  And I’m so lucky to be in a marriage that isn’t faultered by our many lengthy seperations.  I think if anything, it just makes us closer.

Not much else going on here though…I’ll see my doctor this week to begin some referral processes that I should’ve done a long time ago.  I’m just that mom that lets herself go sometimes because I have other priorities…but I’ve finally become annoyed enough with pain in my bones, pins and needles in my limbs, headaches, womanly issues, and blood pressure problems.  Hopefully we can get somewhere quickly with this before I lose interest and patience and just let it go again.  I’ve tried for months to ignore it and I haven’t talked about it, but yeah… That’s the only excitement going on. 

I enjoyed my parents this weekend…my dad came and did some built-ins in Kaeli’s room and it was nice to have activity buzzing around here.  Kaeli was just so excited to have someone here.  Gosh, she’s growing up TOO fast!  Everyday she talks better and exerts more personality than the day before.  She seriously makes me laugh out loud on a daily basis and I’ve settled into this wonderful blessing of stay-at-home parenthood.  This is the most important job I’ll ever have, and I want so badly to raise her right. 

Today is the day…. January 22, 2008

I obviously knew this day was coming…and even still, it makes me nervous.  Shawn has been gone since October (even longer considering all the training he did before that), but the fact that he is going to do the “real” thing now kind of has my stomach in knots.  Though we’ve missed him intensely, we’ve been spoiled with a certain security and we’ve not worried about his well-being, or his life.  And we’ve grown accustomed to only a one hour time zone difference.  Now here we go with the middle of the night phone calls that may or may not have a decent enough connection to actually have a conversation, the echo of your own voice with an annoying time delay, static, etc.  I’m suddenly rememering it all from times before and the soaking in the reality of what we’re in the middle of is here. 

Last night I just had that thought, “I wish this were over…I want him to come home…”

And yet even though we’ve felt his absence for a while, somehow this feels like we’re just now getting started.  That’s kind of an exhausting realization.  Kaeli is beginning to express herself and is letting me know that she misses her daddy.  And those sleepless nights are back for her [and me].  She seems to be having nightmares and Lord knows about what because she can’t really tell me, but I wonder if it has anything to do with all of this.

I know that God is sufficient and that we will make it through this and like every time before, we will have found ourselves somehow better for it…having found new strength and endurance, having learned a deeper love and respect for each other as we cope with our seperations and the hardships that come with that.  I know that God has delivered Shawn from that place before and I just pray it is His will to do it again.

The night I’ve had… January 9, 2008

Yep, I had one heck of a night.

Honestly, the whole day has been so blah with nothing, which I’m fine with.  I had a good day at home with Kaeli.  I’m still adjusting into being a stay-at-home mommy again and I find myself fighting empty anxieties which I’m sure have everything to do with the circumstances of Shawn being gone and I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes without him here and my not working kind of adds to that.  But still, I’m so thankful I GET to do this and that we’ve been blessed enough for me to be the one that spends the day with her and teach her new things instead of paid help.

Tonight she learned a new thing for sure, though.  So we went to church and we were in a really good mood.  Maybe the best mood I’ve been in since Shawn left a week ago.  And after church, I take Kaeli to the truck and buckle her into her car seat.  I had a few too many things to carry…a purse, a backpack, some catalogs, and my two year old of 35 lbs. So, I put my purse in the seat, her backpack in the floorboard so that I can get her settled in.  I shut the door and walk around to my side of the truck, and just as I reach the front end of the driver’s side, I hear the most gut-wrenching sound….the doors lock.  Kaeli had reached over with her foot and hit the door lock.  Now she’s inside with my keys and I’m outside, in the cold, with a panic attack!  I try for a few minutes to get her to “push the button” to unlock it, only she’s 2 and she doesn’t really understand what she  just did.  I’m not quite panicking yet, but i realize I’ll need help.  So I summon our pastor to see if he can help me before Kaeli and I both freak out.  After a while, I thought we would never get that stupid door open and Kaeli is beginningto realize in some way that she is stuck in and I am stuck out.  We tried to call the police/fire dept. who informs us they can’t help…and yes, we told them there was a child inside.  Long story short and a few home-made devices later, the door was unlocked.  And Kaeli, HOPEFULLY, knows now to never let her toes wander that direction again. 

And to those of you who are curious, yes I know I should’ve kept my keys with me.  And I’m sure you may have other ideas about what I could’ve done to prevent this.  But heck, it happened.  And my hands were full.  And, and…..

I think I need some zoloft.  =)

Come and gone… January 4, 2008

 

Apologies for not updating in a while….but from my last post, you know I spent 10 days with my husband over the Holiday and I opted to not write any posts so that I could focus on our time together.

 But, the time has come and gone and we said goodbye AGAIN two days ago.  It was very emotional and very RUSHED.  There were so many people there and the building that we were in, though large enough, was roped off and the family had a very narrow space to gather in to say goodbye.  Being elbow to elbow with workers there yelling to clear the area made the situation more stressful, more sad, and so rushed.  With everyone packed so close, you couldn’t escape the physical emotion in the room and as soon as we made it into the building, I just became overwhelmed with emotion and sadness for what we had to do there.  I hated that we were rushed because it always makes you worry later that your goodbye wasn’t sufficient enough should the unthinkable happen.  The “I should haves” lurk around your mind that whole first day.

AHHH, the first day.

I had intentions of meeting with another military wife and her children that day–just to keep the stress and emotion at bay.  But, Kaeli got sick and i found myself at home doing exactly what I said I wouldn’t and all day I felt like i was trying to hide–from the world, from my feelings, from myself even.  I would do okay, and then there’d be a news story–tears rushed in.  Or someone would call–the flood returns.  And then the night came. 

It seems like every time Shawn leaves, some instant situation arrives to complicate the matter and make it at least temporarily harder than it needs to be.  Last time he went to Iraq, I found out I was pregnant.  He came home on his 2 weeks R&R in time for me to have our daughter, and the very first night that he left to go back, she had her first (and SEVERE) colic episode and it lasted the whole time he was gone.  The time before that, we got like 3 days notice that he was deploying and the day after we found out, our ONLY car died–and it was the weekend.  I lived in a new state, I knew NOBODY, I was enrolled to start school on the day he was leaving in a town 45 minutes away and now I had no car.  Instead of spending those 3 days focused on quality time, we spent it re-figuring finances and finding a car for me, which is quite difficult to get done–on a SUNDAY.  Back to the point, this time, his first night gone and Kaeli’s minor cold and congestion has turned into full blown coughing spells that cause her to vomit and eventually she couldn’t breathe in between the coughing fits.  So after every blanket, sheet, towel, and outfit she owned had been puked on, after I tried every suitable medicine for her, after sitting up in bed in the dark holding my very sick 2 year old, at 2:30 am, I lay her on the last 2 clean towels i had on my bed, and I drag myself to find my clothes and load the car–and I take her to the emergency room.  I’m there with her for the next 6 hours…no sleep, smelling like throw-up, and completely afraid I would fall asleep when i was finally driving us back home.   Not to mention worried for her.  Turns out she had bronchitis and whooping cough (???where did that come from???) and we got home after 9 am the next day.  By the time I got to bed last night (thursday), I’d had a measily 4-5 hours of sleep since Tuesday.  Thankfully, her medicine let us both rest and even though I’m now catching what she’s had, I’m feeling more in control today.

So, anyway, we made it through.  Maybe just barely, but we are one day down and halfway through another day.  And we’re that much closer to having him home again.  Christmas was such a blessing…to have him here and to make those memories with Kaeli.  She’s at such a good age because she could honestly care less if you gave her an empty box to open.  And even though it was hard not let this deployment hang over our heads while he was here, we still had such a special holiday season…as I hope all of you did as well.

In about 36 hours…. December 22, 2007

I’ll have my arms wrapped tightly around my soldier….and in the light of the Christmas wrapping I HAVEN’T done yet, this is some wrapping I just can’t wait to do!

I just can’t wait to see the look on Kaeli’s face when he’s standing right in front of her. The time since October to now has seemed like an eternity for me, I can only imagine how it must feel to her.  I just wish we had longer and I wish we didn’t have to dread the even longer goodbye.  It’s hard not to let the thought of that hang over your head and I don’t want it to ruin our precious time together as a family.  I think we might to be busy for it mostly, but the last couple of days…..

Anyway, one day at a time…..

….And we just have to make it through one day without him and then he’ll be here for what I know will be an incredible Christmas!!!

Ice storm 2007… December 16, 2007

Well, we survived it.  it hit our little town pretty hard.  The town looked like a hurricane hit and then froze over.  We had no electric for about 5 or 6 days at my house…and some still don’t have it.  What a mess!  Kaeli and I stayed with my in-laws for a few days since they have a gas stove and fireplace….but let me tell you, one living room for 9 people with no power and 4 small children makes for a bit of a stressful situation.  We’re just thanking God we still like each other and vowing to never take modern amenities for granted again! 

I’ll post some pics soon….

And…Shawn will be home for Christmas in one week and counting!  We are SO excited.  Yet, trying not to think about the end of his 10 days and the many many months he’ll be gone after that.  But we are grateful for what we’re getting, because I know there are many military families who won’t be so lucky. 

15 days ’til I’m alive again…. December 8, 2007

In vivid anticipation, I cannot sleep.  Counting down the days tirelessly until Shawn comes home for Christmas…ten days of merry exhaustion.  Trying to focus on the first and middle part of his 10 days home is difficult knowing the big let down of the end, that leads us into the rest of this year-long deployment for which I won’t see him again until it’s over next October/November.  I pray we can enjoy it without allowing it to be tainted by the sadness of knowing the grand goodbye that is fast approaching.

Nonetheless, I can’t wait to see him…to watch as Kaeli sees her daddy from the distance and then realizes, it IS him!!  To see that happiness on her face….and mine.  I’m looking forward to that feeling of completeness, if only for a few days.  Because this feeling of incompleteness has made me love him even more, in a way.  Because I realize daily how much I miss him, even in those tiny ways he can completely irritate me or frustrate me.  I realize the bigger picture of life and appreciate the blessing of this separation, as strange as that sounds.  Because we’ve learned the hard lessons of priority and appreciation…and have learned with tangible solidity what it means to NOT take something for granted.

I hope to embrace this time with him and not waste it with tears and sadness.  I can cry when he leaves, and I will.  Because this will be the longest stretch of consecutive time we’ve been apart.  Because the last two minths of single parenthood have been daunting.  Because I hate to sleep alone.  Because I love my life with him.

15 days…..I’m so excited!!! 

Terrible Two’s… December 3, 2007

OH MY!!!

So, today was a pretty normal Sunday…Kaeli and I woke up at around the same time, I fed her breakfast while I got ready for church and still found myself rushing to be there on time. After church we had lunch with some of my inlaws, then we went home.  All was still pretty normal, except after 3 tries, I still couldn’t get her to take a nap.

It came time to get ready for evening services (which I tend to miss WAY more often than I should because we don’t always have a nursery attendant and any expectation to have her sit in the adult service and behave is unrealistic), and my pastor’s wife called to tell me we would have someone in the nursery.  SO, I get us ready and get to church only an impressive 5 minutes late.

Afterwards, we’re going to eat with our pastors and I know beforehand that Kaeli had not napped and it may be a stretch to think she would sit down in public, but for the sake of trying (and needing to be around other people sometimes to fend off the loneliness) we go.

After I take one bite, Kaeli begins.  Only this little tantrum was the WORST ever.  She was screaming almost like she was in pain, and for the first time, Kaeli yells at me.  She continues her tiny tyrade, throwing herself around, losing more and more control of herself.  She responds to none of my efforts to calm or distract her.  And being in public means I feel extremely limited on what I can do as a parent.  There seems to be some secret and fine balance of what parents are allowed to do with their children by means of discipline…and if you don’t meet that balance, you’re either judged for not doing enough or going too far.

I feel the whole world staring at me and my child and the pressure within me grows.  Knowing that with Shawn gone, I am a single mother in that now I am solely responsible for how she behaves and what kind of person I’m raising her to be.  When I reach my point of breaking, I can’t cue her father to take over or at least give me a break before I pass my point of patience.  I once again, feel so alone and once again, it’s when I’m in a room full of people.  And I don’t know if they were truly watching that closely, but I felt as though I could feel their piercing stares burning into my parental pride.  I come back to the table with her to gather our things so I can just get her out of there and she continues to get worse and worse.  I find myself in tears and feeling totally embarrassed and apologetic to my fellow diners.

I’m right at this moment, trying to put my shoulders back into a broad stance after feeling totally defeated.  I so often feel near the point of nervous breakdown, especially at times like this.  But I know that we still have so many months and battles ahead and I can’t be weak now.  I have to grow a thick skin to ignore the judgement being passed and I have to keep a strong back to carry this weight that can be military marriages.  And I have to somehow figure out how to help Kaeli cope better.  I try to be proactive and resourceful on finding ways to help a two year-old understand and deal with the deployment of her father.  But honestly, not much seems to be working just now.  I have to remind myself when she acts out that way that, (1) she’s two, (2) she’s tired, and (3) she’s the daughter in a military family.  Her daddy is gone and she doesn’t know why.  She doesn’t understand why she can’t sleep or why her emotions are so erractic any more than anyone else.  She doesn’t even know that alot of what she feels is directly related to this void that has been placed in her life as well.  As frustrated as I get with her, my heart also breaks for her.

God help us. Please.

When this day is done… November 29, 2007

I know it’s time to pick myself up and make that decision [again] to be strong and find ways to smile even when I don’t feel like it.  Today my daughter was just in the foulest mood and it was contagious.  I picked her up from daycare and from the time I got her locked into her carseat she had meltdown after meltdown.  I skipped going to church just because I didn’t want to put her in the children’s nursery where someone else would have to deal with her.  And I fear more criticism about her behavior and my parenting.  I take it way too personal, but being a mother is my #1 job and when someone has to add their unsupportive two cents, it hits a sore spot with me.

But, you know…I’m not a bad parent.  I love her and I show it all the time, she has a nice home, I take good care of her…she has everything she ever needs and then some….she’s always my first priority.  And I’m giving myself a break here for all those won’t, SHE’S TWO.  And her family dynamics have changed so drasticallywith Shawn’s deployment and really, even before that with all the time he spent away training before he even left–what exactly would anyone expect?  Seriously, she is a good kid and she has the funniest little personality.  If only people could see that.

Anyway, the announcement is….I’m proclaiming the sadness gone right now.  I’ve spent days just being so overwhelmed and so affected.  It’s hard to have him away from home and to know how long this is going to last.  But, I AM a strong woman, a good wife, and a darn good mother!  And what I lack, I pray God blesses me with the things I need to overcome them.

Anxiety for no reason…for every reason November 28, 2007

It has been days of anxiousness for me and with no apparent cause.  It happens all the time when he’s gone and I can’t stop it. I just feel heavy sadness and I become almost physically aware of this large hole in my life….left from this person whom my days are usually centered around….when will he be home from work?….what will we have for dinner?…..where we will go this weekend?…… And now, it’s just me and Kaeli here.  And I feel like I’m just wondering aimlessly in the middle of a large crowd that has not yet noticed I’m there….no longer dancing the same dance they do, no longer carrying on in that traffic of life that consumes everyone.  I’m just stranded…handicapped by this void, and watching everyone pass by.  It makes me realize more every day how much of a force he is in my life.  And as cliche as it sounds, he completes me.

Not that I don’t cherish my daily adventures of motherhood, as much work as it can be.  My daughter is such a blessing to me.  It’s so exciting to see her still discover the world for the first time in a new way every day.  And I do find happiness in my current life and situation because of her.  Sometimes I wonder how on earth I can do this deployment as virtually a single parent since I’ve never had to hold that role during his previous tours….but I also don’t know how I could do it without her.

On days when I just don’t want to get up and go, she gives that extra push (and I have no choice at all about it either).  When I’m feeling like I can’t take anymore, she wraps her little arms around my neck and I know that I still have someone with me every single day who loves me unconditionally and is there all the time and not just when it’s convenient.

In saying all of that, I guess I’ve already found my own resolve for my looking ahead at loneliness and sadness.  I definitely have a piece of him with me always and it’s the most beautiful, blue-eyed, ornery little girl that ever was.