It’s two days past Thanksgiving–a day that was difficult in many ways for me. It was my first holiday spent without my daughter and realizing that, now with all the changes, I would spend probably many more in that same fashion, I felt crushed. I spent Thanksgiving without any of my family, in fact. And even though I am thankful for the friends who shared their day with me, it felt more like a day I was trying to survive rather than enjoy. And I did, I survived.
It’s all just hitting home to me. Everything that has led me to this point is swimming violent circles around my head. It’s strange to have so many contradictory emotions run through at once, to feel so hopeless and yet so eager for the future. I’ve been seeing snapshots of past life for days and I’ve been spending hours trying to gather in my head how I will proceed on to start this new life on my own.
I guess it’s the fact that not every picture that I recall is bad. We had some very special and happy times. And we had some very dark and devastating ones. Sorting and filing them into a way that allows me to walk on…that’s what I’m trying to do now. Reviewing the good and bad is like looking at two completely different lives and it’s hard to believe that they somehow fit together as part of my life story. I think of the day my daughter was born…the moment, in fact, and how heavenly my life was the moment they put her in my arms and he and I cried together out of joy for this miracle we weren’t sure we’d ever have. And then I think of that day I learned of his last crucial mistake, his last bad decision and how sick I was of letting PTSD be an excuse any more that would tear me apart any longer. I remember how hurt and angry and confused and ugly and stuck I felt that day…and how I knew things would never be the same after that. And they weren’t. They never will be.
How did we get here? How did we end up so far past “home” that it’s not even home anymore? What is this all for? Did that stupid war accomplish anything that says that the way it ruined my life is worth it? Do people realize how many of those who served their country gave their lives for it and yet still walk our streets? Does the government even care about families like mine or stories like ours? Who answers for any of this? Who stops it? What justifies it?
corry Said:
on December 1, 2010 at 8:45 pm
Shelf I know exactly what you mean. This whole thing sucks. Reading your words just brought tears to my eyes. Only because I have the same feelings. It sucks that so many families are torn apart by this. Something I would have never imagined would happen to you or my family. Your words hit home so much.
I would have never thought that we would have so many similarities this many years later in life. You were such a great friend to me and my two kids. I can only imagine how your feeling too. I’m so sorry that your hurting. I’m trying to look to to future and think that we have another chapter in our life to write. I want to make it the best it can be.
I hope to talk to you soon.
Love ya
shelirae Said:
on December 2, 2010 at 11:01 am
Corry,
You know, that’s the beautiful thing about us military wives…how we come together and relate to what the rest of the world sees as so foreign. And you know, it doesn’t matter for how many years we’ve lost touch, that friendship is always there. Always. Know that.
I also NEVER imagined this for us. But yet, here we are. And what I know about us is that we are strong women and we WILL be better than okay. The fall is painful, but being able to pick yourself up and walk away is only testiment to what we need to remind ourselves everday–we can do this. We’ve learned alot of lessons from all of this and we’ve learned how tough we really are. The next chapter to write for us, I think, is promising. And I hope that as we move that direction, we don’t find so much distance between us. I look forward to hearing about all the great things you’re doing in your life and to telling you about where in the world I’ve found myself.
You’re a beautiful woman, a great friend, an amazing mother, and you were a good wife, Corry. I’m always here for you. Love ya, too!
Brittany Said:
on February 22, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Just found your blog by searching PTSD wife in google, this was the first post I read and I’m so glad that I did. I thought that there was no one out there that felt this way – the same way I feel…anger, sadness, hurt. A war – pointless to me – has ruined my life, his life, and so many other families life, and no one seems to care. It was NOT worth it! Thank you from the bottom of my little broken heart for writing this, it helped me to realize I’m not alone in my anger.
-Brittany